Thursday, January 17, 2013

E-Weeds

or Finding Magic in Unlikely Places
     (All the phrases in italics—except for this one—are direct quotes.)

"Microcosm" is not a useful blog.  It's a pleasant one, I hope, but not one that offers detailed plant profiles or gardening how-to's.  So when a comment comes along that says, "I have been surfing the internet for hours and have never seen such a useful blog," I can pretty well tell that it's spam, even before it invites me to visit a website on refrigerators.

Lately the spam has been coming fast and furiously.  Most of it is nonsense paragraphs:  phrases that have been scraped from who knows where and jumbled together, with words like blackjack or casino or pay-day loans thrown in at random.  The scraped phrases are repeated a couple of times in different ways, as if they get run through a synonym generator.  The result is a cryptic, would-be communication, with oddly hypnotic rhythms that lead gently into the suggestion that you "feel free to surf my blog."


For the last month or so I've spent a fair amount of time weeding spam out of various posts and have become immersed in its surreal world.  Just like when you really stop to look at an actual weed and pay attention to its form and flowers and seed pods, the irritatingly flawless health of the leaves, and all the bees buzzing around it, and realize that it isn't as bad as it's cracked up to be—when I've really stopped to look at the spam...well, it has its good points.

I don't just mean the wisdom found in the depths of those random phrases:  the stern advice to Get rid of any unscrupulous mortal, or the good, plain truth that Marathons can exclusively be improved traveling frontward.  Nor the general rules for a happy life:  Don't utilize the essential vice licenses.  Do not demand a fully-fledged eating house.  Ne'er address any meat without perspiring.  Pay the sum required or else.  Also, visit my blog post.

I mean the poetry and whimsy that glimmer in unexpected places, the opening of imagination that happens when words get twisted out of kilter.  For the brief moment before common sense re-asserts itself, you live in a world with telecasting salamander machines, where good work gets rewarded with oak trees (Quercus marilandica bonuses), and people ingest in agreement.  You live in a world where magic can happen between one thought and the next. 

It's a healthy thing, good for the soul, that stretching of the imagination.

          Inwardly (no recreation).      Plainly that's not decent.
          Within (no communication).       Patently that's not decent. 

For those few seconds that you play along, it gives you a mental vacation, like a brief walk in the woods (one 60 minutes unimprisoned).

I'm sure that you, voluntary kinspersons, all join me in loving a brief walk in the woods.   
          One can be rather well-chosen there.  One can be elated.
When your soul is feeling a cent threadbare, you can meander around beneath a pristine sky and gently waving tree-branches and recall What You Ought To Be.  It is good to escape from hard urban surfaces into nature's beauty.

          Why should I see Car piles?  
          Why Should I muse on Car heaps?  
                    That is an inconvenience.

The thing with nature's beauty, though, is that it's full of weeds.  Weeds have an impressive diligence to bounce up in the land.  In the right context, they're not actually weedy, just charming, admirable wild flowers and grasses.  When they're dormant their textures enrich the landscape.

O Sunflower, how eternal your druthers to exist!

You can shape the effect of the prevailing wind.

During the growing season these eager weeds, as healthy and as symptomless as your boat, give nourishment to countless wild things.  If they do run into difficulties or die off, we worry and mourn and do our best to help them.

The parcel of land does not suffer a laugh activity.

Some of them we love so well that we bring them into our own gardens.  Even now blue grama grass is blinking its "eyelash" seed heads at the breeze from my central garden bed; the angelita daisies are waiting for just the tiniest bit of warmth to burst into bloom again.  The sand cherries—weedy shrubs across western North America—are among my garden favorites.

You, a mere edible fruit.  And rightly so.
You, a specific point in time.  And rightly so.

(You can swear on this finicky treat.)

One weed—maybe scarlet hedgenettle? I never did identify it for sure—was such a spectacular performer in the summer garden and had such vibrant autumn color that I'm not convinced you could even call it a weed.

We probably aren't amply homely.

All to say, if I were interested in online gambling or hedge funds or a tireless man from OH, I would doubtless be thrilled at all the spam.  It's a pity that I'm not.  (Meaning no offense, Ohioans.)  Still, just as you can ooh and aah over an attractive weed right before you yank it mercilessly from the ground, I have enjoyed trawling the spam for little gems right before hitting the delete button.  I highly recommend it, if you don't otherwise have sufficient activity to de-mental strain yourselfIt is a peachy vice.

Also, have a look at my web log.

____________________________

All quotes were found in spam comments this month.  I've deleted the obviously spammy words, tidied up the grammar, and put the paired phrases together.  Other than that, they are quoted as they appeared.

18 comments:

  1. That last photo is so vivid and gorgeous!
    Yes, e weeds are a great diversion. I go to my spam file for another reason...I enjoy believing all the positive comments! The first time I read them I was so proud. Then after getting a few of the same by other spammers I realized my blog wasn't at all the
    BEST they had every seen!Oh well, it was fun anyway to pretend. DAvid :0)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. David, thank you! The weed, whatever it is, really captured my heart.

      Remember, just because it's spam, that doesn't mean it isn't true... :D

      Delete
  2. Stacy, I have never taken the time to search for the literary gems amongst my spam. It seems that you don't get the ones about a particular performance enhancing drug, that's the main subject of most that I receive.
    Mind you if I didn't get any spam I'd be wondering why not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. b-a-g, it's possible that you may have a life...? I don't often get the performance-enhancing kind of spam, but yes! You do find yourself wondering what its absence means, and why you're being neglected. ::sniff::

      Delete
  3. What a hoot of a post! I have often wondered where these spammers are from, with their grammar and sentences that make no sense (did that sentence make sense?). I've often wondered if they are all computer generated, or if they are from some poor soul that keeps spamming on the promise that they will get promoted if their spam gets through!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Holley, and yes, your sentence did make very good sense! Oh, dear, do you think we ought to let some spam through now and then, just in case someone's salary depends on it? (And does that scruple still hold true if the poor soul works for the mob?)

      Delete
  4. Stacy, This is a delightful bit of word play. I feel like I'm missing out because the Askimet spam filter that Wordpress uses is so efficient, and it deletes most spam without my ever seeing it. Askimet tells me that it has deleted 1300 spam comments on my blog so far this month (compared with 95 legitimate comments). It allows a few a day through to a spam tray where I can look at them and decide whether they're legitimate or not. Mostly not, but these are generally pretty boring -- none of the fun stuff that you've shared here. -Jean

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jean, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I thought it might be too off the wall for most, but I see that I've fallen among spam sympathizers! Blogger's spam filter has been pretty reliable for me up until the last few weeks--I assume someone's figured out how to hack their way through. No doubt Blogger will get on top of it soon(ish). This last batch has been particularly entertaining, at least.

      Delete
  5. What a great post! I have also wondered who on earth is writing all these spams, and why is there so many being let through the spam filter at Blogspot. I have had some of my older posts targeted over and over and have started to go in on each one of them to stop for new messages, that way at least I can’t receive any more spam on that particular post. It would be an awful lot of work if I was to do that on all my older posts, but I have considered doing that as a routine, after for example 2-3 weeks, as I rarely get any messages after that anyway – but I often receive spam. Doesn’t deal with spam on new messages but might reduce the workload a bit!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Helene, hasn't it been over the top lately? And always the older posts. One of my posts has had over 2,000 visits from Sweden ("Sweden"), which is exponentially more than any other post has EVER received. Your advice to stop comments on older posts is wonderful--it's already made a huge difference for me. Thank you!

      Delete
  6. Hilarious, Stacy and thanks for having the patience to record some of these gems (I don't suppose anyone else has!). As Jean says, Wordpress screens out spam very efficiently - perhaps it has a log of hundreds of these phrases and ruthlessly deletes any hint of druthers or car piles? Dave

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, the joy you miss out on, having migrated over to Wordpress. Sad, really. (The H.M.S. Despondent does not strike me as a symptomless boat, by the way.)

      Delete
  7. As another Wordpress user, I would have to actively search out spam in the depths of the deleted folder to experience my own version of the surrealist world you have unfolded before us, so thank you for doing it so that I don't have to!!

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    1. It has been my great pleasure, Janet! I wasn't able to work in the "just about palmy and unforgettable occurrence of water duck soup," alas.

      Delete
  8. Oh Stacy you get some gems I will say that...mine is not as elegant most times or fun!! Although I do read many as they are funny in their phrasing and words... always a delight to read your most wonderful posts...and I love your weeds!

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    1. Donna, I'm beginning to be addicted to spam. It reminds me of the "monkey at the typewriter" thing--no matter how randomly or accidentally, eventually something will (sort of) make sense. I'm behind on my blog visiting but am always so glad you stop by here! XO

      Delete
  9. Appreciate the recommendation. Will try it out.
    Feel free to surf my blog post : uhaul Rental

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    Replies
    1. Ah, thank you so much for this lovely bit of irony. X

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